Short darting glance for when you've spotted someone work flirting with! ( repeated about 3 times). 3. Lock & Load! – Fixed gaze, prolonged eye contact ( more. Flirting for Singles. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your target. In short, flirting is nothing more than a mating ritual, and it is not exclusive Before we The Flirting Playbook ( KB | 87 Pages | PDF) - forfindsebullperf.tk
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7Summits 7Summits Flirting FORDUMmIES‰by Elizabeth Clark7Summits Flirting For DOWNLOAD PDF . Chapter 9: Being Interesting and Interested. My friends have often joked that I should teach “Flirting ” at the Learning Annex. I've always felt that flirting was my secret weapon—the perfect je ne sais quoi. Moreover, flirting is actually done unconsciously, just like with the animals. Do animal mating .. access up to 5 PDF/TXT eBooks per month each month).
Tips are practical pieces of advice for developing and honing your flirting skills in a particular area and actions you should take to help you achieve a certain level of flirting ability. Commit these points to your memory for later use.
Fact icons highlight information relating to flirting, people, and behaviour. Where to Go From Here If you feel you already know the information in a certain section, skip to other sections that are more useful to you.
Beyond this book, I suggest you head straight to the nearest public place and get started. Flirt for more friends, more confidence, and more dates. If this book awakens an interest in reading non-verbal cues for more general use, check out Body Language For Dummies by Elizabeth Kuhnke. Changing your outlook enables you to get the most from this book. I aim to make you ready and motivated to get out there and start mixing it up with friends, colleagues, and potential dates.
Flirting is a subtle combination of body language, confidence, attitude, and appearance. When you flirt with someone they feel good about themselves, and in return you feel good too. Flirting Fundamentals For most people, the big flirting concerns are: I cover all of these issues in this book. What you need to know now are some of the basic principles that apply to flirting, explained in the following sections.
Tuning animal instincts Flirting in the human and animal worlds has been studied by everyone from anthropologists to psychologists and you can use their findings to your benefit.
In the animal kingdom, the males are adorned with ornate tail feathers, impressive manes, or striking markings to attract a female. Studies show that women initiate flirting 90 per cent of the time. Although men appear to do most of the running, they actually do so because women have invited their advances with their flirting signals. In addition, both humans and animals follow species-specific mating rituals and displays that the other members are familiar with. You make eye contact.
You smile. You preen a bit. Arranging your hair, smoothing your clothes, and positioning yourself on your best side catches the attention of interested parties. You build rapport. Disclosing personal information about yourself and asking questions about the other person accelerates the attraction process. He came back with his ego deflated. Jake was lucky enough to have a mum that could give him the lowdown on how girls think and his next disco was much more successful.
Jake made a schoolboy error that many men continue to make throughout their adult lives. To be a successful flirt, look for the signs and follow your instincts. You find reasons to touch both yourself and the other person. Follow your animal instincts to attract more friends and lovers. If you want to attract the opposite sex, emphasise your sexual differences; to discourage an attraction, downplay your differences.
A game of two halves It takes two to flirt. Flirting with someone is like dancing: In general, your role in and success with a romantic flirtation is determined by your gender. Both women and men need to accurately interpret the signals they receive and respond accordingly. Guys start paying more attention; girls, stop being so fussy! Flirting to attract new friends can be daunting because of the tendency to wait for the other person to make the move to engage you.
However, that other person could well be employing 7Summits 12 Part I: Getting to Grips with Flirting the same tactic. Taking the initiative yourself is therefore the best and most successful way to meet new people and make new friends.
Attracting more friends through flirting is almost risk free and has a high success rate. Naturally, people are going to be attracted to you if you demonstrate all the key flirting signals, but in friendly proportions. Common flirting pitfalls Flirting has four common pitfalls that most of us have fallen into at one time or another: Always approaching from the front and learning to use general conversation cues are the simple fixes for this problem.
Fearing rejection is quite natural, but you can learn to overcome this fear, which in turn eradicates irrational fears of something awful happening. How can you respond appropriately if you misinterpret the signals coming your way?
Misreading signals is one of the main reasons flirtations go awry. You can solve this problem by learning how to read body language. Men have between 10 and 20 times more testosterone than women and as a result tend to view things in terms of sex. Research shows that men find it difficult to interpret subtle signs and nuances and can often mistake friendliness for sexual availability.
Getting in Tune with Body Language Body language is a fundamental part of flirting because it shows how available, attractive, enthusiastic, and sexy we are, or are not. The Making of a Successful Flirt 13 Some signals are unconscious, so you have no control over them and nothing to learn; others are deliberate, so you need to put your best effort into learning them. You can use this information to tell when someone fancies you and also to build relationships at work and socially.
For this reason, companies spend small fortunes on psychometric testing to see if they can predict how someone is likely to behave in an occupational setting before hiring or promoting them. The added value you have over any test is that you can actually observe people in their own environment. You can learn to anticipate or predict behaviour in family and friends, as well as potential dates.
Consider what it is about their behaviour that makes you so uncomfortable or brightens up your day. People-watching opportunities exist all around you, so make the most of them. Spotting key signals in other people Being able to recognise the right signals gives you the confidence to step up to the flirting mark.
For the full rundown on flirting signals, see Chapters 10, 11, and Getting to Grips with Flirting Right clues, wrong order Dave had researched flirting behaviour and had made a checklist of what to look for when he met a woman to see if she fancied him.
The signs were: Dilated pupils 2. Swollen lips 3. Batting eyelashes 4. Moist, dewy eyes 5. His mistake was just marching up to women and checking if they were all in evidence. Flirting follows a process. You start with the ingredients, mix them in the right order with the correct tools, pop the tin into a pre-heated oven — and bingo you get something hot and tasty.
Looking at revealing behaviour Our gestures are created by our emotions. Being aware of the gestures we can control as well as those that are involuntary provides a good picture of what gives your hand away, as well as what holds you back. Our emotions are most commonly revealed by the: Even if you have great control over your face, minuscule movements still occur before you have time to compose yourself.
See Chapter 10 on interpreting the facial language code. Trying to hide your hands may make you appear deceptive. See Chapter 11 on using your hands. She was undoubtedly the best flirt that any of her friends had ever come across.
What they were overlooking was that Jess: She presented the best impression she could and people loved her for it. From the paper shop to the pub, her energy and vitality won everyone over. Being a successful flirt takes energy and resilience. Treat every encounter as a flirtation in the making. As your feet are farthest away from your brain you have less control over them, making them very revealing.
Your feet tend to point in the direction you want to be heading: Face, hands, and feet provide a simple means of interpreting revealing behaviour. Complement this understanding with tips on rapport building in Chapter 8 to give yourself a great head start. Getting Yourself in the Flirting Mindset Question: Getting to Grips with Flirting The end is nigh Jane would rather do nothing than do something because she was convinced that whatever she tried would go wrong. She always wore trousers when she went out, and when her friends tried to coax her into downloading a dress, she refused point blank.
Jane eventually felt positive enough to download a dress and she looked great in it. Having the confidence to make a change also made her more confident in herself. Instead of viewing the men she met in bars with cynicism, she started to give them a bit of a chance.
Jane managed to put a lifetime of negative conditioning behind her and is now in a stable relationship. If someone like Jane can grasp the positivity initiative, anyone can. Just think of the rewards and stay focused on becoming the brilliant flirt you are. Obviously not every flirtation is going to go exactly to plan, but learning from your errors is all part of the process. If your fears of rejection are getting in your way, overcome them with help from Chapter Practise flirting every day, with people of all ages and with both men and women.
Mastering the innocent mutual kind of flirting first is an important step to take to enable you to successfully conquer the full-on variety. Setting your thinking You have the power to control your thoughts, although sometimes it can feel quite the opposite. If you hear enough negative messages, you believe them. You need to change your thinking. These are just simple little messages or phrases you keep repeating to yourself to align your subconscious with your positive way of thinking.
The Making of a Successful Flirt 17 Make the choice to be a brilliant flirt and look forward to reaping the rewards with more friendships, better working relationships, and great dates. Each night, just before you go to sleep, get rid of your automatic negative thoughts.
This process is even more effective if you take a few moments to write down your successes. The following morning, review your notes and congratulate yourself. Banishing flirting baggage Flirting baggage is all the bad experiences we carry with us that convert into negative feelings and effectively stop us from fulfilling our flirting potential.
Banishing your flirting baggage is a must before you rebuild your lovely flirting skills. Two types of baggage exist: Your mother told you not to air your dirty laundry in public for a reason.
Not only are people uncomfortable hearing about it, this baggage reflects negatively on you, regardless of what the problem is or who was to blame. Never mention your ex-partners or hang-ups when you first meet someone; let them form their own opinion. Put all your energy into how you sound, not what you say. See Chapter 5 for tips on making yourself sound confident. Think about the last time you saw someone you fancied; did any nagging doubts about your flirting prowess or previous relationships prevent you from talking to them?
When you have told a new flirtation about your ex or previous failed relationships, have they looked delighted? Did they ask to see you again? Getting to Grips with Flirting Second base, here we come Seb had dated lots of women, but had never made it past first base. This would have been disappointing enough in itself, but he felt the need to explain his failure to every woman he dated, just to complete his humiliation and put her in the picture about his dating immaturity.
They got on really well and went on to dates two, three, and four. Eventually, Seb confessed that he was very nervous about the whole sex thing. By now Anne was extremely fond of him and, although she laughed, she was very understanding. Let people get to know you for who you are and not in relation to your baggage to give your flirtations the best possible start. Spotting daily opportunities Feeling more positive about making more friends and getting more dates with your shiny new attitude?
All you need now are opportunities to let yourself loose. Practice makes perfect; use a range of flirtations regularly to become a flirting expert. In an average day you can expect to interact with: As she waited in the foyer for the performance to finish, Santa approached her. He showed her the split in the back of his trousers and asked if she thought the children would be able to notice it.
Santa was quite happy to reciprocate; he was terrified of facing screaming kids and it was a pleasant distraction from his pre-stage nerves. In the space of a few minutes Barbara and Santa enjoyed a delicious — and innocent — flirtation.
It left Barbara with a smile on her face and Santa with a spring in his step. In this section, I look at four of the most common styles. The minesweeper A minesweeper trawls every room in a building for potential targets to flirt with, and is never happier than when laying on the charm. The problem for the minesweeper is being taken seriously by potential dates when wanting something more serious. Getting to Grips with Flirting The life and soul of the party The life and soul of the party is never short of company — a magnet for people — and is someone that everybody loves.
Being able to draw people in this way means that the life and soul of a party tends not to have to search out people to flirt with. The wallflower has a lot to offer but needs to learn to build up confidence. Novice or a Pro? Evaluating your confidence level To gauge how confident you are as a flirt, ask yourself these questions: In professional interactions: When first meeting someone in the office that you find attractive, do you: Look them in the eye and greet them with a cheery smile and a hello?
Identifying Your Flirting Style 23 2. Look their way, but wait for them to make the first move to say hello? Wait for someone else to make the introductions? In social settings: When first meeting somebody socially that you find attractive, do you: Catch their eye, then approach them confidently? You have the most potential for growth.
Just follow the tips in this book and everything will start falling into place. When it comes to flirting you have to use it or lose it, so put more effort into the area with the higher score and watch all your relationships flourish. Take heart, though: Evaluating your adaptability A good flirt uses their interpersonal talents appropriately, in both the workplace and socially. By learning to play with 7Summits 24 Part I: You can judge your adaptability as a flirt by flirting with a friend the way you would flirt with a date and then seeing how they react.
Do they: Not notice? Start to behave differently towards you? If the answer is 1: You need to be more aware of how you behave towards and around different types of flirting scenarios.
If the answer is 2: Develop this further in other scenarios to see how your flirting volume changes. If the answer is 3: You need to look at your basic flirting skills and work on amplifying or toning them down depending on the situation. Identifying Your Flirting Style 25 You may face the following constraints: Write down a list of all your constraints. Identifying your constraints is the first step on the way to challenging and overcoming them.
Cutting the apron strings Bob had a place on his own, having separated from his girlfriend. Eventually Bob decided it was time to get out before he turned into his father.
By now his mother was well into her new weekend regime and resented the change. She went out of her way to keep him at home with her, even letting herself in ready to meet Bob and any new lady friend he happened to bring home for coffee. It was tough, but Bob managed to cut the apron strings and motivate himself away from a life of Saturday night TV and a hearty meal with his mum, towards getting out and meeting some new faces.
To get out and get flirting, you need to challenge your constraints and gather your motivation. Getting to Grips with Flirting Looking at your motivation Motivation is crucial for becoming more flirtatious.
Motivation generally falls into two camps: These people take the risks because they want a relationship. To be able to flirt spontaneously, you need to work on changing your motivation.
Applying the This principle can be applied to many things. By applying the same approach to the constraints that inhibit your flirting, you can make great progress.
Rather than tackle every little thing individually, which would essentially delay your chance 7Summits Chapter 2: Identifying Your Flirting Style 27 to make the most of your flirting opportunities, you could fix one thing that would lead to the biggest gains for yourself. To do this, take your list of constraints and categorise them from the biggest flirting inhibitor to the smallest.
Give each constraint a weighting of between 1 and , with the total value of all the constraints adding to Pick the biggest value constraint and put your efforts into overcoming it. Using your subconscious to your advantage is very simple: Same figure, different perspectives Patsy was a tall, attractive woman with no shortage of male admirers.
However, she obsessed about her figure and managed to convince herself she was fat. Her friends continually assured her she had a great figure, but the self-doubt continued. They were surprised to see that it was actually Patsy. Not only had she altered her own body image in her head, her negativity had also caused her friends to see her in the same way.
After their shock at their altered image of Patsy, her friends insisted that no more negative talk be allowed and gradually even Patsy started to like what she saw in the mirror. Be positive with yourself and the people around you to maintain your best possible self-image. Even if the change is welcome, you can still find it challenging. Emulating someone you admire Copying someone you admire — your flirting icon — is one of the simplest ways to improve your flirting style.
Picking your flirting icon When you pick your icon, do so with care.
When I was tiny I loved watching Marilyn Monroe films. I quickly learned that when adapting a style, choosing someone more akin to your own personality and the times than a throw back from decades ago is best.
In our celebrity-obsessed culture, business professionals, entrepreneurs, film, music, and reality TV stars are all available icons. Just pick one you identify with. Identifying Your Flirting Style 29 Achieving the Joanna Lumley effect Kate had always been confident in her flirting abilities and was able to get on with pretty much anybody. She was friendly, bubbly, and outgoing, and men loved her.
However, she was constantly undermining her own confidence as a flirt because she perceived that she lacked sophistication. Her friend asked her to explain exactly what she meant. Before making any radical changes to your flirting style, seek the opinion of someone you trust. What do you like about their attire? Are they clean cut, grubby, immaculately groomed, or natural? Do they move in a confident, aggressive, flirtatious, gregarious, or considered way?
Are they happy, aloof, well-grounded, formal, relaxed, friendly, or approachable? Does your icon, in an interview situation, smile and make good eye contact, remain composed but approachable, talk candidly on any subject, and so on? Chapter 5 gives you a great boost on working on your appearance, Chapter 7 helps you emulate their instant appeal, and Part III helps you replace your body language sins with star quality.
Getting to Grips with Flirting Making up for missed opportunities Think back over the last month and count how many opportunities you missed to engage with someone not just someone you fancy, but anyone of either gender ; consider colleagues, friends, people in the street, or attractive strangers.
Taking advantage of all those missed opportunities is the next step in ramping up your flirting abilities. Make a conscious decision to do something different. This may sound counterintuitive, but if your total missed opportunities are zero or very few, then some lifestyle changes are needed. In other words, if you have few opportunities to capitalise on, you need to actually make some. You need to be around people to make yourself feel more human and involved see Chapter 6 for ideas on where to find other singletons.
Other ways to increase your flirting opportunities include taking a walk at lunchtime near a busy sandwich shop, joining a club anything from badminton to energy conservation , or getting online and involved in a virtual community. Prioritise your opportunities into those you feel are the easiest to approach first. Eyebrow flashes see Chapter 7 for more on these are very easy on the comfort zone, as well as being non-sexual in intention, and are the most commonly reciprocated.
Try eyebrow flashing the big boss at work. Undeterred, Julia bought herself a computer and got online. She met various people on everything from forums to dating sites. Eventually, she met a guy with whom she had mutual chemistry, and five years down the line she has lots of online friends and is getting married. If you want to improve your skills you have to be prepared to go further and take risks. Ramping up your efforts in the right order not only builds your confidence, you suddenly find yourself surrounded by friendly opportunities.
The risk scale in Figure shows which ways of communicating have most and least risk. Setting yourself flirting challenges Getting results requires challenges.
To get results in a diet, for example, you have to set targets; most diets initially aim for a 10 per cent loss in your body weight. Why not use that figure as a target to improve your flirting? For great flirting results, look to hit 10 per cent of your flirting opportunities with an eyebrow flash, smile, and greeting in your first few days. If you have ten opportunities a day, a 10 per cent improvement means you have to connect with just one person.
Scale of risk. Once you find flashing, smiling, and greeting comfortable, set yourself more advanced targets, such as: Head to Chapter 8 for details on making conversation with anybody. Chapter 13 tells you how. Reading the flirting thermometer A scale of flirting hotness exists. If you go in too hot too quickly, you may come across as over-eager.
Mastering the scale helps you recognise when someone is having a flirtation with you and also enables you to give them the right signs back to ensure your flirtation goes down smoothly. Figure shows the hotness scale, along with references to chapters where you can find out more: This level can and should be applied to every person you meet, regardless of age or gender.
Playing it cool means applying the basics to let someone know that you like them — smiling, eye contact, and the initial groundwork for a full-on flirt. Degrees of flirting. However, the women he dated never really made it into a proper relationship. They had one complaint in common: Dan was at a loss as to how to proceed until he discovered the flirting thermometer.
Using this guide, he increased his temperature for those women he really liked and looked for responsive changes in them. He also used it in his business relationships to ensure he projected the right signals to clients. Getting the hang of the flirting thermometer benefits all of your relationships. When you want to flirt with someone, think about where you fall on the scale and then consider where they are.
Chapter 11 covers how to use body language and Chapter 12 explains how to recognise signs of flirting. From the office to the bedroom, different things make each gender tick and trying to pretend otherwise is flirting suicide.
Embracing the differences and the common attributes is key to honing your flirting muscles. This chapter deals in generalities with gender-specific behaviour, and the premises made here are based on decades of scientific and occupational research. Getting to Grips with Flirting Looking at the Different Perceptions of Flirting Apparently, 90 per cent of errors in thinking result from errors in perception.
Whether you think someone is flirting with you or not is dependent on whether you perceive a look, comment, or action to be flirtatious in intent. Knowing how the different sexes approach flirting can help you get ahead in the game. Being able to give clear signals that can be interpreted as the initiation of a flirtation decreases your risk of rejection because your attempts are going unnoticed and increases your chances of getting something going. Those details provide the start of the flirting spectrum for each sex.
Contrary to the animal kingdom, where often the females are dowdy and the colourful males provide the courtship displays, women are the sex generally expected to be made up attractively.
Women generally feel more pressure to get their appearance right and hence put so much effort into planning and executing their look. A survey of mainly female office workers found that most of them spent over three hours planning their outfit for the Christmas party compared to less than five minutes considering lines of conversation.
Men, on the other hand, tend to believe that flirting starts the moment they open their mouth and issue a chat-up line. As men are often the ones making the first move, they can dread this point the most.
You feel more positive about your flirting approach and create more successful outcomes. He had fashionable tousled hair and casual but chic clothes. He also took himself off to the barber and returned with a conventional short haircut.
What men and women find attractive Opposites attract, but often for the reasons you least expect! In my flirting seminars I play a game with the attendees whereby the men say what they like and dislike when they first meet a woman and then the women do the same. Smile, eye contact, bottom, breasts, and legs are consistently the top of the head responses, which mirrors research on this subject.
Looking and smelling good, high heels, long hair, nice nails, and being interested in them are also top answers.
Having rich parents and owning a brewery have been cited as great — but not necessary — assets. Facial hair, using a mobile phone during a conversation, and having a husband are top of the list of dislikes when a man first meets a woman. Recently single, she splashed out on a wardrobe of new clothes and shoes and a treasure trove of make-up. After a few weeks she was a bit disappointed at her hit rate with the men and perplexed by the success of one of her friends.
Karen came on my Open Flirting course and applied her knowledge of the opposite sex to modifying her evening wardrobe. She ditched the black and started wearing more shapely clothes. When trying to impress a man, focus on what they generally like in a woman, rather than worry about what they dislike.
Top of the dislikes were bad breath, body odour, arrogance, joke telling, superfluous hair nasal and ear hair and monobrows , and looking over their shoulder. Joke telling is often confused with being entertaining see Chapter 8 on following the rules on humour for more on how to avoid this flirting gaffe.
The following sections go into a bit more detail on how you can use this information to your advantage. Getting visual Research shows that men are physiologically attracted. Wearing a demure black number makes you virtually invisible amongst every other woman with the same dress strategy. Black can cover a multitude of sins, but is a bad choice if it drops you off the radar.
Wearing colourful clothes to draw attention to your greatest assets or features is your best strategy. Kevin was the kind of guy who loved the sound of his own voice. He dominated conversations and fancied himself as a bit of a charmer. He claimed to be very entertaining and interested in people, however an internal training seminar finally pinpointed his problem. He littered his conversations with jokes that people laughed politely at, whilst he smugly enjoyed his own joke-telling proficiency.
Kevin was shocked at this insight into his behaviour. He immediately started to listen to the answers to his questions and dropped the joke telling in preference to actually getting to know the people he was dealing with.
He developed a genuine interest in people and the people around him responded positively; not only did he do more business, women were attracted and flattered by his interest in them. Being interested in the people around you pays far bigger dividends than trying to be a clever conversationalist.
A man needs to fill his space well and hold himself with confidence. A shorter man with great posture is more attractive than a tall man with bad posture.
So men, if you want to attract women, be confident and stand tall no matter your height. Assessing assets of the non-monetary kind Knowing the common assets is invaluable for building any kind of relationship, not just for flirting. These assets can be used with both sexes to great effect. The top three common assets are: Getting to Grips with Flirting Desperately seeking. Fran had taken a teaching post on a remote island in Scotland. Having looked forward to the opportunity, she became increasingly frustrated by her non-existent love life.
The local men were thrilled at the prospect of a new woman on the island and fought fiercely for her attentions. However, Fran had a very specific picture of her Mr Perfect and none of the islanders came close. When she finally put her tick list for Mr Perfect to one side, she started to see the local guys in a whole new light. High or unrealistic expectations limit your options. Displaying the common assets with everyone you meet, both socially and professionally, gains you a reputation for being friendly and approachable, and a genuinely likeable person.
Considering Strategies for the Successful Flirt Parting with your preconceived ideas about flirting and who Mr or Miss Right should be can give you the opportunity to expand your flirting horizons, readjust your attitudes towards flirting, and try new strategies to improve your flirting success rate. Just thinking or doing something differently can have a dramatically positive effect on your flirtatious encounters.
Looking beyond Mr or Miss Perfect Nothing is as futile, demoralising, or limiting to your flirting agenda as having a fixed idea of how your perfect partner should be. Grasping the Gender Gap and Other Strategies 41 Keeping an open mind allows you access to the biggest pool of potential flirtations. Keeping a list of undesirable features you wish to avoid for example, smoking, being selfish, or wanting to see more than one person is preferable to one of must haves when choosing people to flirt with.
Just remember to keep your list short. Rejecting the advances of someone without giving them a fair chance is a big mistake. See Chapter 11 for more tips on handling this tricky situation. Both attitudes present problems. For the reserved flirt If your attitude towards flirting is to be very reserved, to the point of being misinterpreted as disinterested, you need to push your comfort zones to gain more success. Starting with rejection risk-free encounters, for example with people you come across in your everyday encounters, is the best approach.
If your job involves meeting people, either internally or externally, make a point of being friendly to everybody. Your confidence gets a great boost when you see the way they respond to your positive advances. Are you very charming or tactile, or do you use flirtatious body language? Rejection itself can be crippling when it happens to you, but the fear of rejection is even more destructive because it can actually paralyse you into inaction. That cold, gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach; a weakness in your limbs, a dryness in your mouth — fear feels horrible; it tests your comfort zones, and provokes a fight or flight response.
The temptation to run away or say nothing when you encounter someone you find attractive or meet a colleague at work in a superior position can be overwhelming. Both genders experience this fear of rejection. Grasping the Gender Gap and Other Strategies 43 Always maximising your chances of acceptance to minimise your chances of rejection is the trick to overcoming this fear.
Having a positive attitude also helps enormously with your success rate. Head to Chapter 15 for advice that can help you never again worry about being rejected. Making flirting easy to spot The key to starting a flirtation is making it easy to spot. Make sure that the person you want to flirt with can see that your behaviour with them is different to the behaviour you demonstrate to the other people around them.
Chapter 10 covers how to give off the right signals. For example, when making eye contact, look at them for longer than you would look at other people in the room, smile more at them than at the other people around you, have a smaller proximity between you than with others, and so on. Chapter 5 offers plenty of makeover ideas. Dressing for success makes you feel more confident and is much more likely to bring you flirting success. It can be misinterpreted as disinterest.
Chapter 9 offers lots of ideas on using compliments. Practise paying compliments daily, to friends, relatives, and colleagues, to master the art of delivering them with ease. Getting to Grips with Flirting Backfiring compliments I was running a seminar for a large bank recently and in the break was inundated with questions from the delegates. Most people joined in the conversation, but I could see a guy out of the corner of my eye loitering on the periphery.
Eventually he pushed into the group, sidled up, and complimented me on having great shoes. I was mortified that he would insult my lovely shoes in such a juvenile way. Italians, for example, flirt with everyone, from their friends to their partner to their grandmother. You can flirt with anyone: But how do you go about flirting with friends and colleagues without making existing relationships feel awkward?
This chapter gives the details. Flirting with Friends Flirting with friends is a natural and enjoyable behaviour. Two types of flirting with friends exist: They got to know each other well over the course of a few days and were quite inseparable. Both were married and had children and they shared similar values. In reality, however outrageously they appeared to flirt with each other, there was no intention on either part for it to be anything more than friendly.
A certain security existed in the fact that they were both happy in their respective relationships, and by hanging out together they were safe from the advances of delegates with less honourable intentions. Flirting harmlessly with married people is perfectly acceptable provided the feelings and intent are mutual.
Flirting with friends paves the way for developing positive relationships, making new friends, and potentially moving the relationship beyond friendship to romance. The following sections explain how to get the basics right.
Friendly flirting Friendly flirting consists of smiling, making good eye contact, and showing interest in other people — the common assets for both sexes mentioned in Chapter 3. This type of flirting is suitable for both sexes and all ages. Telling if someone is just being friendly is relatively straightforward. Adopt friendly flirting as your general approach to everyone.
This type of flirting prepares your flirting skills for the more advanced flirting techniques when you want to bag a date. Flirting with intent: Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 47 motive behind their actions.
This intention is hormone-fuelled, and being able to tell when this is happening is useful for either progressing a relationship or avoiding leading that person on. People who flirt with intent do more than simply smile, make good eye contact, and show an interest. Watch for these behaviours: Checking for the behaviours in this list or, in other words, deciding whether she is demonstrating more than just smiling, good eye contact, and an interest in you is a prudent move to make.
These behaviours are also different to their behaviour towards the other people around you. See Chapter 12 for more on how to read flirting signals. People who like or are in tune with you mirror your body language. For example, if the other person crosses their leg towards you, and you mirror them, you cross your leg towards them. Not only is friendship good for the soul, it bestows considerable health benefits, too.
Some of your best memories and most cherished moments involve friends. Your friends may also provide a delicately balanced system for nurturing each other. These are the benefits you have to weigh up when considering risking converting a friend to a lover. He actually fancied her as much as she secretly lusted after him. Once Candy got over her initial shyness about flirting properly with him, the signals were clear for them both to see.
Re-establishing your old relationship can be incredibly difficult. The following sections offer advice to help you navigate the move from the role of friend to something more. Things to consider include: Go to Chapter 5 for more information. Turning up dressed in your dog-walking outfit when going out for a drink confuses the situation.
Harry had always fancied Jane and saw this job as an ideal opportunity to get her to himself. They lived in a happy little commune with lots of international students and everyone mucked in with the chores. Housemates kept enquiring as to the nature of their relationship. He issued Jane an ultimatum — lovers or nothing. Unfortunately for Harry, she chose nothing. She valued Harry as a friend but had never given him any indication that she wanted anything more.
If your attempts to move a relationship to a new level are ignored, declaring undying love is unlikely to give you the result you hoped for. Suddenly reverting to treating them the way you always have for example, by sitting at a distance and speaking to other people more confuses them. Keep a closer proximity and use more smiles, eye contact, and touching for them than for the rest of the group. Dithering on the border between friendly and romantic flirtation is confusing for everyone — friends and the object of your desire alike.
Let me take you out for a drink to cheer you up. Flirting with Dates Starting a flirtation with a potential date is different to flirting with friends. You have to start with a much stronger approach because you get less opportunity to form a first impression with a potential date than with a friend, and you need to make your intentions absolutely clear.
Chapter 11 offers lots of tips on how to read body language before you get going. You can show your intentions by doing things like dressing to impress, smelling great, looking confident, giving them your full undivided attention with great levels of eye contact, showing plenty of smiles, mirroring their body language, and touching intentionally.
See Chapter 11 for more info about body language.
If you want to get to know someone gradually, pressing for a late night invitation back to their place is probably going to get you more than an offer of coffee. Alternatively, spending months being polite and waiting for an invitation to hold hands may also lead to a degree of frustration on both sides. Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 51 Commuter code Penny had seen Mike on the Tube several days a week for the last three weeks.
He had a slightly aloof look about him and usually buried his nose in the paper during his journey. Not wanting to miss her opportunity and keen to see if Mike was actually spoken for, Penny took decisive action.
The next day, having dolled herself up, she positioned herself so that she faced him, and stared at his paper. When he dropped it to turn the page, he saw her staring at him.
She looked away, then back again; he was still looking at her — he was interested! She looked away again and he carried on with his newspaper. The next time he caught her eye when turning a page, she gave him a coy smile and in response he sat up straight and smiled back. She looked away again and he returned to his paper. The next time he dropped his paper, she could see him checking if she was looking, so she poked her tongue out. He laughed in surprise.
As Penny left the train, she looked over her shoulder to see Mike catching up with her and she gave him a big grin and a cheery hello. They went out for a drink that night before taking the Tube home together. Being brave in your actions will be rewarded. Being able to interpret reactions and intentions requires good observational skills on your part.
Pay attention to the following: Remember to look for these clues in clusters of four or more. Chapter 11 has more on body language.
Getting to Grips with Flirting Lucky pants Derek had been flirting gently with Sally for months in their local bars and clubs, but had never managed to move things on. Sally was waiting for a definitive flirtation, aimed directly at her and without the confusion of not being able to tell if he was just being friendly or if he really fancied her.
One Saturday night they must both have been in the same frame of mind. Sally applied her war paint immaculately, squeezed into her pulling dress and sprayed herself liberally with the perfume that made her feel at her sexiest. Derek put on his lucky pants, splashed on some aftershave that his sister swore would make any woman weak, and headed into town. When Derek saw Sally, he congratulated himself on his decision to wear the lucky pants, as she was a picture and he intended to score.
She fixed him with a look and he ignored all the other women he would normally speak to and made a beeline for her.
Derek and Sally finally got it together thanks to a decisive bit of action on both their parts. Whether your lucky pants set your mind to it or your favourite perfume, use something as the catalyst to keep you focused on displaying and following up your intentions. Never base your decision on any one gesture in isolation. Flirting with Colleagues Most of us find our partner in the workplace.
Whilst most companies shudder at the potential litigation prospects of a failed office romance, little can be done to stop them happening. Flirting with unemployment: Avoiding accusations of sexual harassment — unwelcome and uninvited physical, verbal, or visual behaviour that is sexual in nature — is crucial but fraught with ambiguity. The older women were used to him creeping up and complimenting them over their shoulders.
Although they found this behaviour unnerving, Richard was essentially harmless and had never actually done anything more inappropriate to anyone. When Richard tried to make an impression on the new girl in the office, however, she took an instant dislike to him and found his approach offensive. She accused him of sexual harassment and reported him to human resources. Human resources pointed out to him that intention is irrelevant; how the recipient perceives his behaviour is what defines sexual harassment.
Luckily, Richard walked away with a warning and managed to keep his job. Following are important things to know: Or if a woman insists on touching colleagues or kissing people on greeting and a man finds this invasive or offensive, this too can be interpreted as sexual harassment. Many companies send their employees on sexual harassment courses; first, to educate staff on how to avoid it, and, second, to indemnify them against liability if someone who has been educated on the matter does actually commit a sexual harassment offence.
A sexual harassment conviction usually puts you straight to the top of the reject pile in the short-listing process. Flirting boundaries at work Flirting at work involves a slightly different strategy to flirting in a bar. Whereas in a bar you initially assess all the people you find 7Summits 54 Part I: You can take two approaches: A combination of both approaches is very effective for grabbing attention in the office and turning the right heads.
Alter your wardrobe, hairstyle, make-up, glasses, your posture, and even the way you initiate and conduct conversations and people will notice a change in you. Chapter 5 has tips and advice for how to give yourself a DIY flirting makeover. Being more friendly Being friendlier is a great strategy for every aspect of your life. Smiling and making more eye contact are the keys to appearing more friendly.
Behaviour breeds behaviour and people who like you mirror your friendly actions. Adopting a friendly approach is a great way to attract a flirtation and to pick up more friends generally, especially as you age. Opportunities to make more friends decrease the older you get. Head turner Claire had finished with her boyfriend and decided to advertise the fact with a radical makeover. She dyed her hair a gorgeous chestnut brown, which was fabulous, but sadly not on her.
Everybody in the office noticed the change for the worse but said nothing. Eventually one of her friends had a quiet word and took her to her hairstylist. Claire returned a stunning redhead. Gary had noticed both changes, but only ventured forth to comment after the second makeover.
They began a very tentative and discreet flirtation in the office, which endured for some time before they were sure that an office romance was something they both wanted. They wanted to flirt more but not in the office. She organised a fund-raising hour bike ride, involving people from work and their friends. Preparation meant a gruelling schedule of training events and seeing lots of Ian outside work.
Not only did running this event improve her organisational skills, Jess also lost weight, made lots of new friends, and she and Ian were free to flirt outrageously on neutral ground. If no events take place at work, organise one of your own!
People are much more likely to like you if they think you like them. Similarly, if you feel uncomfortable, or suspect the other person would feel more comfortable continuing the flirtation without the obtrusive interest of your colleagues, take it outside the workplace.
You may not feel ready to ask them for a date, so picking an event when you can continue your flirtation in more appropriate circumstances is key to ramping up your flirtation. Most workplaces have social gatherings, informal events, or gettogethers. Some people dread these functions, but, like the lottery, you have to be in it to win it. If no events are planned, get yourself involved in workplace committees and propose an event yourself.
Making Contact 7Summits I In this part. Being confident is a game of two halves: In an ideal world, quickly fixing your inner confidence would be great. This chapter gives you all the pointers you need to present a confident demeanour. So when it comes to confidence, fake it till you make it.
Changing it to something that is appropriate for your personality, circumstances, and the style you wish to convey can be a massive boost to your 7Summits 60 Part II: Get Noticed! Making Contact confidence in itself. The bulk of this chapter explains the various ways you can change your appearance, demeanour, and outlook to both build and project an aura of confidence.
The following sections outline how to decide what type of image or style you want to adopt and tell you how to prioritise the changes you decide to make. No right or wrong style exists. Different shapes, colours, styles, and textures work better for one body shape than for another. Determine your shape and style and dress to suit them and the image you wish to project. For expert advice you can: Visit www. Debenhams provides this service for free; others may charge.
Choosing the areas to focus on Looking at the different aspects of your image and applying the They may see you in a different light. Use Table , which lists ten areas of improvement, to determine what area can yield the most significant results.
Follow these steps: Boosting Self-Confidence 61 1. Use each number only once. In the second column, do the same, with 1 representing the most significant in improving your makeover and 10 the least significant. In the third column, multiply the two rows together. Pick the two areas with the lowest scores. These indicate what two items are the quickest to achieve with the biggest impact on your overall image. Making Contact Shopping bonus Louise was in her thirties.
Waiting to see the shopper, Louise caught the eye of Mark, who was also about to have a style makeover. For example, if you are flirting with a girl you just met, a good way to start flirting through touch is to use the back of your hand and simply tap her around the upper elbow.
From there, take small steps forward with your touch. Use the inside of your hand and touch her upper arm, shoulder, back, and maybe work in some one-armed side-hugs. As you go along, you can gradually increase the duration of each touch. Gradual escalation like this does a couple things that will help you attract women.
First, it gets the girl comfortable being physical with you without her feeling overwhelmed. How to playfully flirt with a girl Think of flirting as a game. This means to show her a little bit of interest — but then playfully push her away. But in the second half you throw her through a bit of a loop. Make flirting a natural behavior Becoming a natural flirt is less about mastering the right words and actions and has more to do with getting the right mindset.
The right mindset then, is simple. Assume she wants you and is trying to get with you. See yourself as the perfect 10 out there, and that the best thing that can happen to her is to get your number, go on a date with you, or go home with you.